So here I am, only a few short days away from my daughter being 6 months old, and I am seriously pondering the gravity of this job called mommyhood. This week has been incredibly stressful. Shayna is sick for the first time in her little life and it breaks my tender mommy heart. To hear her chest rattle with every breath, to see the glassiness of her sad blue eyes, and to hear her hoarse little wail because she just doesn't feel good. And to know that I keep bringing her back to the same place every day that is probably what made her sick in the first place when all she really needs is to rest at home, kills me. My mommy guilt has plagued me more than usual this week. To know that right now I can only give my daughter what I consider the second best care in the world and know that she is suffering because of it, is really really hard to swallow. Now I know she could have gotten sick outside of daycare, but it's hard to keep that in perspective when every morning she is greeted by a crowd of runny noses and a symphony of coughing. I wish more than anything in the world that things could be different, that I could be the one to put my baby down for naps, feed her the growing variety of fruits and vegetables that she loves so much, and watch her smile while she plays all day long. I miss her terribly. Especially when I know she is hurting and all she wants is unlimited mommy cuddles.
My day begins every morning with my alarm clock going off way too soon, getting out of bed 5 minutes too late, and stumbling half conscious to the coffee maker. What I need to do is get out of bed earlier so that I have time to spend with the Lord so I start the day feeling full rather than empty. I feel like I never have enough. I feel inferior at my job, like I'm not as good as the others. I feel like because of the time my job takes that I don't have enough energy to devote to being a wife and mother so I end up doing a mediocre job at both. Every day feels like I am running on fumes. I need to re-prioritize. I just need more. More time. More energy. I can't do everything on my own. I completely believe that the Lord is using this season of my life as a working mother to help me realize that I don't need to do everything on my own. That right beside me all the time is the One who not only died to save my soul but would love to ease the guilt and the heartache that I feel from not being able to stay home with my child. I want so very much to be the best mother, but right now I need to be praying for the Lord to extend His arms of love to my baby and to hold her when He knows I can't. To comfort her and dry her tears when He knows I must be elsewhere. And to bring peace to my heart knowing that He truly is all either of us need.
God constantly is putting me in positions where I need to rely on Him and trust Him because I literally have no other choice. My self-sufficiency is one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls. He prolonged my finding of my husband until He knew that I had come to the place where I had exhausted all my options other than to just trust His timing. He held off our conceiving of a child until I finally accepted that while I knew He was going to give us a child, it was going to be when He wanted to, not when I wanted to. And now, I am a full-time working mother because it puts me right in the place where I need to be. The place where I am forced to my knees daily crying "God, I can't!" just so He can say "I know, but I can". For someone like me, it's hard admitting that I can't do something, that I need help, or that something is hard for me or a struggle. And it's that very pride that needs to die because I know it will keep me from the fullness of the glory of God. Don't let your pride steal from you. Kill it, daily. Lean on Him who gives strength to the weak and rest to the weary. He is waiting for you. Only for you.
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