Coming back

So, I am pretty sure it is considered some type of epic fail to not post in your blog for like 6 months.  I knew this blogging thing was going to be a challenge.  But I will do better.  There are so many things that I know I want to say, I just never feel like I have the time or energy to say them.  But for now, I will start with what has changed. 

My lovely daughter is now 13 months old.  She turned a year on May 11th and has done nothing but continue to blossom into something more beautiful, more independent, and more amazing.  She has started doing more "toddler" things.  She now definitively says "doggie" and "ball" and is starting to convert completely to walking as opposed to crawling.  She eats like a champ and that includes eating a variety of foods as well as large quantities of them.  She is still the spitting image of her father, but she definitely has her mama's personality.  She is strong-willed and opinionated and lets everyone know it.  She is finally starting to get hair that is turning very blonde and is getting curly.  She is still my little peanut and probably always will be.  She is dwarfed by most other kids her age but that doesn't keep her from trying to keep up with them.

  Also, sometime at the end of October, this little girl is going to become a big sister!  I am so excited to see the love and joy grow between my two children.  I know Shayna will make a wonderful, caring, and protective big sister.  Her smile still melts her daddy's heart and her joy and innocence make the long, hard days of mommyhood worth it.  SHE is worth everything, and she always will be.

So the reasons that I have been absent from posting for a long time are simply because being a working mommy is hard.  I come home at the end of the day and the last thing I want to do is cook dinner and make some attempt to clean my house.  I just want a few minutes to sit down and relax.  But life must go on.  So I stand at the refrigerator and freezer and just stare.  I wonder what can be thrown together in the shortest amount of time making the smallest amount of mess.  If was smart, I would have a detailed weekly meal plan posted on my fridge so I would know exactly what I was having on what day.  My discipline in life hasn't quite gotten there yet.  So with my child hanging on my legs, (because it has been a long day for her as well), I pull a conglomeration of things together and then sit down to play with my daughter so that I have spent at least some of my day with her not just taking care of her essentials.  I know the weekend is coming so for now I ignore the floors that desperately need vacuuming, the shelves that need dusting, and the growing pile of laundry.  After dinner is served and cleaned up after, it is now the baby's bedtime.  I change her, bath her if necessary, and then we settle into our recliner where she proceeds to nurse to sleep.  If I thought that I enjoyed nursing a baby, I even more so enjoy nursing a toddler.  It is a precious relationship between her and I that I will be sad to see go when that is what she chooses.

So by this time, it is now 8:30 or so.  I say hello to my dear husband, unless I remembered to do that earlier in the evening, and then shortly after that, I stumble off to bed.  It is now about 9:00 and I lay in bed thinking about what I even did today.  I feel like I spend so much of my life operating in survival mode.  I do what I can to keep life going and at the end of the day, if the choice is between bed and blogging, I'm choosing bed every time.  Or at least I have for the past 6 months.  But I am determined for that to change.  How can I possibly encourage other working moms to make the time for things they enjoy when I am not doing it?  So even though I currently live 90% of my life feeling overwhelmed and like I'm fighting the clock, what do my husband and I decide to do?  Have another baby.  Approximately 17 1/2 months after baby number one.  And I'm not awesome with math, but generally when you add children, you can also subtract time.  Time that I already feel like I don't have.  BUT, the Lord in His goodness and mercy, has not forgotten me and will never ever leave me.  And that is how I can do what I do.  It is how even though I feel rushed and tired and overwhelmed, I still thrive in my calling as a mommy and wife.  I literally love everything about my life right now.  Well, I don't love the fact that I work, but I love that even though I do, the Lord is still using that for good in my life and in the lives of my family.  Not being able to "do life" on my own, keeps me on my knees at the feet of the cross daily, asking the Lord to help me be the mommy and wife that I need to be.  And His grace is more than sufficient, and it always is.

It is why I know that He blesses my efforts as a mother even though I don't have as much time with my daughter as I wish I did.  It is how I know He gives me the energy and increases the love in my heart for my husband so that I may continue to serve him and help him in the ways he needs from his wife.  And it is because of all of this that I have embraced this pregnancy and cannot wait to meet this new little life growing inside of me.  Because I know that God will continue to pour out His grace on my family and give me and my husband the strength that we need to raise our children in godliness and serve each other in love.  As I did with Shayna, I love my little one so much already.  He or she is constantly reminding of their presence with little pokes and kicks that I will miss after birth.  I seriously cannot wait to be a mommy to two precious children.  Since it is now after 10:00 and I am sitting here barely able to keep my eyes open, I am going to join my already sleeping husband in bed and prepare to meet another day!
      

Perfectly imperfect

I read something the other day about a mom who struggled so much with trying to make her life so structured and perfect that it rubbed off onto how she treated her daughter.  Essentially, she was slowly breaking her spirit by being really hard on her.  The more I read, the more my heart broke.  I could see so much of myself in this woman's words and it scared me.  My entire life, I have struggled with perfectionism.  It's an ugly, horrible monster and I fight it all the time.  Feeling like my body isn't good enough, like I don't cook well enough, like I don't take care of my daughter well enough.  I pray every day that Shayna doesn't battle with this monster the way I do.  I pray that every day of her life she looks in the mirror and sees someone beautiful, inside and out.  That she never looks at her beautiful blue eyes and wishes they were brown.  That she values health and fitness and taking care of herself, but not to the point where she obsesses over it and doesn't feel like she ever does enough.  I pray that she won't burst into tears the first time she gets a B on a test or paper.  That she understands that it doesn't matter what her grades are, as long as she is diligent and tries her best.  That she will be able to forgive herself her mistakes and her failures.  I pray that she will always know that as her mommy, I will love her no matter, just because she is my daughter, and it isn't at all performance based.  And then I pray for myself.  That I will have the grace and patience being a good parent requires.  That I will be faithful in being consistent.  I had to spank my little one for the first time the other day, not to punish, but to train.  I want to train my child to be obedient so that the need for punishment will be greatly diminished.  It temporarily hurt my mommy heart to see her flinch and watch tears spill from her eyes, but I knew in the long run, she would benefit from being taught self-control, before she is old enough to understand it's importance in life.  I love my darling little one, and I cannot wait to watch her continue to thrive and grow!

See how you've grown.....

Since my baby girl is 6 months old, I figured now was as good a time as ever to post some pictures of our journey thus far. :)

 Her birth was by far one of the most magical days of my life.  Everything about her was and is a miracle.

 Her first little smiles lit up my world.  They still do.

This is a sight that will forever melt my heart.  My husband could not be more in love with his little girl. :)

 6 weeks after Shayna's birth, we welcomed her cousin, Dalyce Lynn into the world. They are trouble together already haha.

 Our first family pictures :)

 She has eyes so blue they could set your soul on fire.

 This was Shayna's first Sea Isle City beach trip.  We decided to take her back to her roots. :)

 She absolutely loves bath time.  Her favorite part is when I let her chew on the wash cloth at the end.

 And at 6 months, I now have a tummy sleeper on my hands. :)

She is the sunshine of our lives and we love her more and more every day.

Mommy wars

I follow this facebook page where women post questions about breastfeeding, mainly.  But occasionally there will be questions posted about other things pertaining to motherhood.  It is amazing to me how critical and judgmental fellow mommies can be of one another.  The spectrum of parenthood is so vast and so broad and I think there are very few completely right answers, a couple of totally wrong answers and a whole bunch of just plain answers.  I think most parents would agree that you should always make sure, to the best of your abilities, that your children have enough to eat.  I think most parents would agree that obvious child abuse is abhorrent and wrong.  But throw in a topic like "sleep training" and you will have an explosion of opinions and maybe a few "facts".  Many mommies will think that you absolutely should sleep train your babies and you will have just as many mommies who think that the idea of training your baby to sleep is ridiculous.  Basically, what it comes down to is, WHO CARES?  If I am talking to fellow Christian mommies, the most important thing you can train your children to do is love the Lord, respect their father, and be kind to their siblings, if they have them.  Mothers make decisions every day for their babies based on so many factors such as what they think is best for their kids, their convenience, their own sanity and peace of mind, and so on and so forth.  What works for one mom may not work for another.  And that's ok. 

Do what works for you, and I'm going to do what works for me.  If women want to walk around with their babies strapped to their bodies, then let them.  Go smugly push your stroller somewhere else.  If you see a woman  nursing her baby, don't ask her why she would want to "deal" with that.  By far the majority of women who nurse their babies thoroughly enjoy it.  And if for whatever reason formula is what you have chosen, then feel justified in knowing you are still lovingly feeding and providing for your baby.  And for Pete's sake, let the co-sleepers co-sleep.  No one is saying you have to keep your baby in bed with you.  Maybe co-sleeping is the only way some mom can get her baby to sleep more than an hour at a time.  But at the same time, don't insinuate that my child is going to have security issues later in life because she sleeps alone in her crib.  And as far as crying it out goes, do what your gut tells you.  If you feel your baby just needs to figure it out, then do that.  If you feel your child isn't ready for that, or if you don't believe in it, then just don't do it. 

Sometimes there are things that moms have to do differently because of the way they are forced/choose to raise their kids.  Moms who stay home have much more freedom to experiment with their children's schedule than moms who work.  For instance, a mom that works might be more apt to put her baby on a feeding schedule while a stay at home mom would be more able to nurse on demand.  Basically what I'm saying is, I wish more moms could just support and love each other through their differences.  It's ok if people don't always do things your way.  That doesn't necessarily make them wrong.  Accept that.  Let it go.  I catch myself saying all the time, "Oh I would never want to do that".  And I don't.  But I'm sure there are things that I do that would make other moms feel that very same way.  Do what's best for your kids, and while you're at it, spread the love of Jesus. :)

To my beautiful blue-eyed baby girl.....

My dearest daughter,
You are now 6 months old and this time has flown and crawled at the same time.  It's hard to believe all the things you have accomplished so far.  You have gone from only nursing, to eating your oatmeal, fruits and veggies like a champ.  You've gone from sitting in your rocker quietly and contentedly to rattling your toys and kicking your legs and engaging with people who walk by you.  You've gone from sleeping through the night, to being up twice, to now only being up once.  Mommy is hoping that eventually that will come full circle again. :)  You can now sit up, shakily I'll admit, but you love it.  You roll all over the place and enjoy "swimming" on your belly.  And before I know it, that's going to turn into crawling.  You are finally getting some hair, which is only making you marginally less bald.  But that's ok, in time, I know you will have beautiful hair.  You have eyes of the clearest and brightest blue.  I'm not sure where they came from but they are enchanting, and they sparkle when you smile.  You are finally starting to chub up a little bit, but I have a feeling you will always be Mommy's little peanut.  I don't think your feet have grown at all since birth, they are so tiny!  And you love to eat your toes.  You can fit your whole foot in your mouth and you are quite happy to do so. 

Your personality is so chill and you are happiest when you can be down on the floor playing and moving around.  Sometimes a little bit of Mommy comes out in you and you start yelling and expressing your opinion, but for the most part, you are your Daddy, in looks and personality.  Speaking of Daddy, he is hopelessly in love with you.  His eyes light up when he sees you and he talks in that strange little voice when he holds you.  You are his whole world.  I'm not gonna lie, Mommy is a little jealous.  Because there is no competing with how sweet and beautiful you are.  Every one of your aunts and uncles adores you.  They video tape you, take pictures of you, and strip you down to as few layers as possible to see as much of your cuteness as they can.  They cannot get enough of you, no one can.  They love everything about you. 

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that you love sleeping like a big girl in your own crib.  My hat is off to the co-sleepers of this world because as much as I love you, I would lose my mind if you had to sleep in bed with me every night.  Mommy enjoys her own sleeping space and your Daddy quite enjoys your Mommy, alone. :)  And although everyone thinks that I would love for you to sleep through the night, I secretly enjoy our midnight snack and snuggle.  It's our special quiet time and I love it.  It's when Mommy closes her eyes and prays for you.  For your present and future.  That you will get a good night's sleep the rest of the night, and that God would send His angels to watch over you as you sleep.  I pray for your toddler years, that I would be able to train you to be obedient and respectful.  For your young school years, that you would enjoy learning and not feel pushed too hard.  For your teenage years, that you would be kind, love the unlovables, stand firm on what you believe and be Jesus to everyone around you.  For your young adult years, as you will probably meet the man who will be your husband.  That you will practice what it means to be a godly wife, and that you will work to become that woman that would be a godly man's dream come true.  For your years as a young mother, that you might be able to stay home and raise your kids, as I wish I could.  That you would put their needs above your own.  You will be a wonderful wife and mommy some day.  I know it.

There are so many other things I wish I could say to you, Shayna Elizabeth.  There isn't a day that goes by where I know Daddy and I made the right choice in naming you.  Because "beautiful" could not be a more appropriate meaning for your name.  I love you, my little Shayna-belle.  With all my heart and soul.  Happy half-birthday.  Nothing brings me more joy than watching you blossom and grow. <3 It is one of my greatest joys being your mama. 

Mommy struggles....

So here I am, only a few short days away from my daughter being 6 months old, and I am seriously pondering the gravity of this job called mommyhood.  This week has been incredibly stressful.  Shayna is sick for the first time in her little life and it breaks my tender mommy heart.  To hear her chest rattle with every breath, to see the glassiness of her sad blue eyes, and to hear her hoarse little wail because she just doesn't feel good.  And to know that I keep bringing her back to the same place every day that is probably what made her sick in the first place when all she really needs is to rest at home, kills me.  My mommy guilt has plagued me more than usual this week.  To know that right now I can only give my daughter what I consider the second best care in the world and know that she is suffering because of it, is really really hard to swallow.  Now I know she could have gotten sick outside of daycare, but it's hard to keep that in perspective when every morning she is greeted by a crowd of runny noses and a symphony of coughing.  I wish more than anything in the world that things could be different, that I could be the one to put my baby down for naps, feed her the growing variety of fruits and vegetables that she loves so much, and watch her smile while she plays all day long.  I miss her terribly.  Especially when I know she is hurting and all she wants is unlimited mommy cuddles.

My day begins every morning with my alarm clock going off way too soon, getting out of bed 5 minutes too late, and stumbling half conscious to the coffee maker.  What I need to do is get out of bed earlier so that I have time to spend with the Lord so I start the day feeling full rather than empty.  I feel like I never have enough.  I feel inferior at my job, like I'm not as good as the others.  I feel like because of the time my job takes that I don't have enough energy to devote to being a wife and mother so I end up doing a mediocre job at both.  Every day feels like I am running on fumes.  I need to re-prioritize.  I just need more.  More time.  More energy.  I can't do everything on my own.  I completely believe that the Lord is using this season of my life as a working mother to help me realize that I don't need to do everything on my own.  That right beside me all the time is the One who not only died to save my soul but would love to ease the guilt and the heartache that I feel from not being able to stay home with my child.  I want so very much to be the best mother, but right now I need to be praying for the Lord to extend His arms of love to my baby and to hold her when He knows I can't.  To comfort her and dry her tears when He knows I must be elsewhere.  And to bring peace to my heart knowing that He truly is all either of us need.

God constantly is putting me in positions where I need to rely on Him and trust Him because I literally have no other choice.  My self-sufficiency is one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls.  He prolonged my finding of my husband until He knew that I had come to the place where I had exhausted all my options other than to just trust His timing.  He held off our conceiving of a child until I finally accepted that while I knew He was going to give us a child, it was going to be when He wanted to, not when I wanted to.  And now, I am a full-time working mother because it puts me right in the place where I need to be.  The place where I am forced to my knees daily crying "God, I can't!" just so He can say "I know, but I can".  For someone like me, it's hard admitting that I can't do something, that I need help, or that something is hard for me or a struggle.  And it's that very pride that needs to die because I know it will keep me from the fullness of the glory of God.  Don't let your pride steal from you.  Kill it, daily.  Lean on Him who gives strength to the weak and rest to the weary.  He is waiting for you.  Only for you.

Just another day in paradise....

So my cousin posted in her blog a couple of weeks ago about a country song that plays over in her head that depicts her life so well.  I was thinking that there is one that I think about often too.  The words are so true in my life.....

The kids screaming, phone ringing
Dog barking at the mailman bringing
That stack of bills - overdue
Good morning baby, how are you?
Got a half hour, quick shower
Take a drink of milk but the milk's gone sour
My funny face makes you laugh
Twist the top on and I put it back
There goes the washing machine
Baby, don't kick it.
I promise I'll fix it
Long about a million other things

Well, it's ok. It's so nice
It's just another day in paradise
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the Lord every night
For just another day in paradise

Friday, you're late
Guess we'll never make our dinner date
At the restaurant you start to cry
Baby, we'll just improvise
Well, plan B looks like
Dominoes' pizza in the candle light
Then we'll tippy toe to our room
Make a little love that's overdue
But somebody had a bad dream
Mama and daddy
Can me and my teddy
Come in to sleep in between?

Yeah it's ok. It's so nice.
It's just another day in paradise.
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be
Well, it's two hearts
And one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the Lord every night
For just another day in paradise

My husband and I live in a house that has more than its share of problems.  There have been a number of occasions that I know he has wanted to take a baseball to more than one appliance.  When we have run out of water for the 8th time that day, when the well pump won't stop running, when the washer is exuding a smell akin to a dead animal.  I could go on.  When Irene and Lee hit, it was inches before the 5 feet of water in our crawlspace was about to spill into our first floor.  I'm not even kidding when I tell you that stuff breaks ALL THE TIME and my poor husband diligently fixes all of it to the best of his abilities.  I love being married to a handy man.  Date night is a joke.  Money is really tight right now, and even if we did have the money, and if I had a free night without the baby, all I would want would be to snuggle with my husband in bed, not say anything, and sleep for hours.  Tonight my child screamed in exhaustion on and off for about 2 hours.  Being in daycare, its noisy and she doesn't sleep as well.  I couldn't get her to settle down.  Nothing I was doing was helping. 

Through all of this, my life couldn't be more perfect.  Our house might be a hot mess, but its our home, and we love it because we've made memories and worked hard to make it the happy and cozy place that it is.  We have plans some day to move to our forever dream home, but for now, we are content to make do with the house we've been blessed with.  Marriage is hard work, even when you are married to someone as wonderful as I am.  At times I have been jealous of some of our friends who take exotic and romantic vacations, but when Jeff and I sit with our Five Guys and Ritas water ice on our TV trays on our couch, I realize that we are just as fortunate, simply to have each other.  My baby girl is a dream, everything I ever wanted.  Even when she is having a hard time sleeping and I hear her calling for me for the third time in an hour.  Her smile and the way she kicks her legs when she sees me makes even the most sleepless of nights bearable. 

I love this song because it depicts how happiness and being content are not based on circumstances.  It's in your attitudes, how you see your life, and how you spend it with the people you care about.  A thankful heart and a cheerful spirit when times are tough, when you're flying high, and even when life is just blessedly boring, is incredibly valuable.  Other than loving her Lord, if I manage to teach Shayna nothing more than to be thankful and cheerful, I will be happy.  It goes such a long way.  Speaking of which, I have to go check on her.  She was running in her crib a few minutes ago and it is time for her to go to sleep. :)